Depression & Him—
• The thirteen letter combination that destroyed me •
He was my saving grace. That fresh breath of air after drowning underwater. That pull off the ledge of a twenty story building. The reason behind pure smiles and fast heartbeats– the good kind. The kind that made you feel alive. He was my second chance to live again. Everything I wanted in a person and more. He has no idea how much he changed my world.
I woke up in the morning, no longer struggling to find purpose. No more pills were needed to numb the no longer existing pain. I swallowed his laugh and radiance instead. I did that for months until it started to fade. And then the light went out all together. Leaving not one, but two people in the dark.
It was a stressful time. He had been visited by an old enemy of mine. That 10 letter word I suffered with for years. My 10 letter word he was able to mask for quite some time, with his warm heart and kind gestures. That same 10 letter word would be the end of us. You think you can save somebody just because you know what they’re going through. I was convinced you could. But here’s the thing with depression: you can’t. In the process of trying to save him, I forgot to protect myself. And that 10 letter word creeped up on me faster than my having to say goodbye.
I thank him for being there for me at a time I needed him the most. And I’m sorry I didn’t have the strength to do the same. I was doing great, until witnessing the life get sucked right out of him. He couldn’t be there for me anymore, and I reluctantly yet entirely understood why. I saw the misery in his eyes, heard the tiredness in his voice, felt the exhaustion in his body. He became absent. Withdrawn. The new source of my pain. And with every familiar symptom surrounding me, I relapsed.
Now he’s gone, and I must be my own saving grace. Though I’m back to square one– struggling to catch a breath of fresh air, resistant to step foot outside of my bed, devouring the pills meant for making things all better. He used to make it all better. Until it happened to him too. The lethalness of dating with depression. He’ll have no idea how much this changed my world.
“We are all broken. That’s how the light gets in.”