Depression & Him

Depression & Him—

The thirteen letter combination that destroyed me •

He was my saving grace. That fresh breath of air after drowning underwater. That pull off the ledge of a twenty story building. The reason behind pure smiles and fast heartbeats– the good kind. The kind that made you feel alive. He was my second chance to live again. Everything I wanted in a person and more. He has no idea how much he changed my world.

I woke up in the morning, no longer struggling to find purpose. No more pills were needed to numb the no longer existing pain. I swallowed his laugh and radiance instead. I did that for months until it started to fade. And then the light went out all together. Leaving not one, but two people in the dark.

It was a stressful time. He had been visited by an old enemy of mine. That 10 letter word I suffered with for years. My 10 letter word he was able to mask for quite some time, with his warm heart and kind gestures. That same 10 letter word would be the end of us. You think you can save somebody just because you know what they’re going through. I was convinced you could. But here’s the thing with depression: you can’t. In the process of trying to save him, I forgot to protect myself. And that 10 letter word creeped up on me faster than my having to say goodbye.

I thank him for being there for me at a time I needed him the most. And I’m sorry I didn’t have the strength to do the same. I was doing great, until witnessing the life get sucked right out of him. He couldn’t be there for me anymore, and I reluctantly yet entirely understood why. I saw the misery in his eyes, heard the tiredness in his voice, felt the exhaustion in his body. He became absent. Withdrawn. The new source of my pain. And with every familiar symptom surrounding me, I relapsed.

Now he’s gone, and I must be my own saving grace. Though I’m back to square one– struggling to catch a breath of fresh air, resistant to step foot outside of my bed, devouring the pills meant for making things all better. He used to make it all better. Until it happened to him too. The lethalness of dating with depression. He’ll have no idea how much this changed my world.

“We are all broken. That’s how the light gets in.”

4 thoughts on “Depression & Him

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  1. This is what I went through with my last relationship and I’m still trying to heal from the pain of it. This was so beautifully written and somehow I don’t feel so alone now. Thank you for writing this and putting this out there. Sharing experiences and struggles is the only way to pull depression out of the shadows, away from the dark corners of the mind where it can manifest and destroy all who suffer under its reign. It’s been two months since he broke up with me and it still hurts. This is soul food. So I’ll say once again; thank you.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I can relate to this so much. My wife deals with her own mental issues but she seems far stronger than me in dealing with them. It makes me feel weak…but also thankful that I have her. I think I could deal with my bipolar (most days) by myself. The problems occur when we are BOTH going through things and I’m not strong enough to help her so that she can help me.

    Liked by 1 person

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